How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
