my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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