I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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