I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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