I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
