Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
