So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
