she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
