Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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