I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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