fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
