Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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