we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
