meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You ruined the universe
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
