Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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