pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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