May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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