Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
