We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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