And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
