my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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