I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i out mim tonsoeep
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