He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
