hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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