Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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