According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
