You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
