how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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