i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
