In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Come on in and take your pants off
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