I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We need to get me chipped asap
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