I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
