My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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