I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
