I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
there is glitter all over my balls
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