oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
