I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize