You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
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Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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