More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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