I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
