i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
