How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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