i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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