I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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