jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
