I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
