Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i think im in europe. pls send help
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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