y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
