It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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