Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
