Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
