I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
