You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
