pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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