god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
