mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
