I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
me + whiskey = a bad person
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
