I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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