Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
