Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
why didn't you poke me back
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
